


Cold Summer Nights

by strxwberryxngel



Series: Seasons Change, Do Our Feelings Fade? [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst and Feels, Betrayal, Cheating, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2019-05-06 03:19:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14632998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strxwberryxngel/pseuds/strxwberryxngel
Summary: The heat of the summer doesn't even reach Seungcheol's skin. He only feels cold whenever summer arrives.But ask Jeonghan how his summer goes and a feeling of guilt creeps into him.





	Cold Summer Nights

Beaches, white sand, clear blue water, ice cold drinks; that's summer for an average person. And Seungcheol hopes he can actually experience those. But he can't and he won't. Going outside isn't the problem, the feelings he get are. He chooses to isolate himself in his room, spend his time on video games and when his boyfriend has the time, facetiming Joshua.

Even on summer, the heat can never reach him. He will always feel cold no matter how much warmth he tries to get, so why try and make an effort? He'll just waste his time anyway. He'd rather spend his time on something he actually loves doing.

A knocking on the front door echoes throughout his whole apartment. He already knows who it is just by the pattern of the knocks the person makes. He unlocks the door and a long-haired boy smiles at him. But there's something different about him.

"Blue? Seriously?" Seungcheol can't believe what he's seeing. Sure, Jeonghan's been having different colors on his hair ever since he decided to become an art student and express himself through his hair but this time, it's a little too unrealistic.

Jeonghan lets himself in before Seungcheol can even invite him. And to be honest, he doesn't even need to be invited because he had always been welcome to this place.

"I'm still breathtaking and you can't deny that," Jeonghan goes straight to the kitchen where he sets down the take-out food he got while on the way.

He follows Jeonghan to the kitchen as the man prepares the food. He watches as Jeonghan moves around his kitchen, remembering how Joshua would usually do this every time he lets the man stay the night and they eat together right there, in the same kitchen.

"Seungcheol, you really need to go out. This is so unhealthy," Jeonghan scolds him but he knows that it's just another failed attempt at trying to convince him to go out and ignore reality.

The long-haired man sits in front of him, looking straight into his eyes. He just sat there, looking back but with a soft smile on his lips.

"Are you listening to me? I said, you have to go out," Jeonghan sighs before continuing, "Alright, so there's an invitation for us at some party tomorrow and I guess it'll be nice if you come with me. I mean, it'll be a win-win. I've got a companion, and you get to go out. Sounds good?"

Seungcheol just stared. Not moving and just listening. The man in front of him looked weirded out by him and started to speak again.

"Hey, you really need to come with me. I promised our friends I'll bring you with-"

"Is Joshua with another girl again?"

Jeonghan stopped talking when Seungcheol blurted out those words nonchalantly. It's as if Seungcheol's just asking for the time. It's too casual. And maybe, it just became casual because he got so used to saying it already. Most times crying and sometimes, with a blank face.

"Seungcheol, we really need to go tomorrow. There'll be free drinks and-"

"Are you trying to cover up for him? Or are you afraid I'll catch him again?"

Once again, Jeonghan stopped moving. Seungcheol can sense the tense of the man. But he can't help it.

Jeonghan takes a deep breath. He sees the guilt in Jeonghan's eyes even when he's trying to hide it, so hard. He looks down to his lap and brought his hands down too.

"When is he coming back again from LA?" Seungcheol asks, deciding to remove the tension in the air.

Jeonghan is still looking down to his lap as Seungcheol starts to prepare to eat. He answers, "Third week of next month."

"So that's a whole month for him to spend with another girl," Seungcheol scoffs. It hurts. It fucking hurts. A lot. But the coldness he feels already made him a bit numb, though, not enough to fully protect him from the pain.

"Seungcheol, I'm not trying to-"

"Don't worry about it, Jeonghan. I'm fine. Let's just eat."

They ate in silence. Seungcheol feels a bit guilty for how he acted out so he decides to bring it up when they finished eating. Jeonghan goes to the living room while Seungcheol cleans up in the kitchen.

After a few minutes, he goes to the living room as well where he sees Jeonghan watching some drama on the television. He sits down beside the man who's so caught up with the drama.

"Let's go tomorrow," He blurts out that made Jeonghan turn his head so fast.

"What? Is this real? You're not kidding, right?" Jeonghan's wide eyes made Seungcheol laugh.

"Consider it as an apology for how I acted a while ago," Seungcheol nods, proud at his proposal and way of apology.

Jeonghan looks so happy and in disbelief, both at the same time. Seungcheol's smile widens at how the long-haired is acting out.

"This would be the first time you're going out after three summers! Congrats, you've grown up," Jeonghan pats his back like a proud father.

He removes Jeonghan's hand from him and says, "I went out last summer! We bought groceries together!"

"That doesn't count. I was the only one who got out of the car and you only drove me to the grocery store and to my apartment!" Jeonghan shots back at him.

They both laughed as Seungcheol shakes his head. They spent the remaining hours of the day watching the horror movies that Jeonghan insisted on watching even though he's actually a scaredy cat. They also played video games where Seungcheol's always the winner just because  _I'm only giving you the chance to win, Seungcheol._

This has been their routine every summer for the past three years now. With Seungcheol always being inside his apartment, Jeonghan can't just leave him like that. So he visits the man everyday to keep him company. But to Seungcheol's perspective, Jeonghan is just trying to help him forget and ignore what's really happening. Jeonghan goes to his apartment to distract him from whatever shit that Jeonghan's best friend who's also Seungcheol's boyfriend, is doing millions of miles away from them.

He's succeeding, though. Seungcheol seems to temporarily forget about the pain, about the cold. And he knows that Jeonghan feels guilty in behalf of Joshua even though he doesn't have anything to do about it. He knows that Jeonghan feels this way because it seems to Jeonghan that he's tolerating his best friend's actions and mistakes and covering up with spending time with Seungcheol. When in reality, he already did all that he can to tell Joshua that it's just not right to take advantage of Seungcheol like that. But it's no use.

Everything started out two summers ago.

Seungcheol used to love summer. And he's always going out, ready to take the heat and have the time of his life. Because summer's just once a year, so why waste it?

But then, something happened that changed it all.

He's boyfriend of six months, Joshua, goes to Los Angeles which is his hometown, every summer. And when he left for his trip to LA two years ago, which is also his first trip as Seungcheol being his boyfriend, Seungcheol decided to surprise him and follow him there. Money isn't a problem, anyway. 

He expected a surprised and happy face to welcome him when he comes to Joshua's house. But what he didn't see coming is to be welcomed with Joshua on the bed with another girl. He didn't caught them in the act, but their state at that moment is already enough to conclude what happened.

It broke him, it shattered him to the tiniest bits of him. But when Joshua came running back to him, crying, saying that he didn't mean what happened, he's ready to forgive the man already.

The remaining days of his summer was spent inside his room. Trying to sort things out in his mind. But what happened reached Jeonghan, so he had company that time.

The next year, he found himself scared of what might happen or maybe, of what might happen again.

And it did. When he was trying to facetime Joshua after waking up, a girl who thought he's just a friend of Joshua, answered it. He ended the call right away. He immediately called the person who he knows he can lean onto, Jeonghan.

After that, he just accepted the fact that maybe Joshua's just like that. Maybe summer for Joshua is time to breathe. So Seungcheol just lets him. Even though it also means that he'll be more broken with each passing day. Joshua still comes back to him, anyway.

Why not just dump him? Seungcheol asks the same thing too. But whenever Jisoo comes back from LA, he finds himself forgetting everything and just loving the smile the man's got on his face.

* * *

The next day, Seungcheol was woken up by his alarm at six in the morning. He groans as he gets up from his slumber. He doesn't remember setting up his alarm clock this early. Hell, he doesn't even set the alarm during vacations.

But the familiar knocking on the front door while he's getting dressed after showering made everything clear. It's Jeonghan and his rhythmical knock at past six in the morning.

"I said I'm going to the party, not going out at an ungodly hour of the day!" Seungcheol tells Jeonghan who's too bright to look at, he looks so happy and giddy.

"Come on, Seungcheol. If you're going out, then let's at least make good use of it. Please," Jeonghan pleads with those puppy eyes that he knows very well gives strong effects on Seungcheol that will make hin agree to go out, finally.

"Where are we going to again?" He asks with a frown on his face, not really liking the way Jeonghan's face brightened up even more.

"We're going to eat!"

That's how Seungcheol finds himself inside a small pastry shop, waiting for Jeonghan to come back with the food he promised to be treating. After a short while of waiting, Jeonghan comes with an unbelievably huge set of servings of the food the shop offers.

"Are you sure we're just here for breakfast?" Seungcheol raises an eyebrow and Jeonghan scratches the back of his neck.

"I'm sorry, seems like I got a little too excited. We can take them home, if you want," Jeonghan finally sits down in front of him.

This feels good. Being out again in the warm environment. Seungcheol hates to admit the fact that he missed being out and about in this kind of weather. And what made everything better is that he has great company. Jeonghan makes it feel lighter.

"You see that guy at the counter?" Jeonghan points out to him while munching on some bread that Seungcheol can't pronounce the foreign name.

He looks at where Jeonghan is pointing at and then nods. Jeonghan swallows down his food before continuing, "He's got some scandal just after summer break started. He's a pretty smart guy but then his grades suddenly failed. Turns out, he had an affair with one of the profs and when they broke up, she gave him the lowest grades possible. Now, he has to retake that class and endure the suffering the prof gives him."

Jeonghan chuckles at his own story while Seungcheol is chuckling because of how much of a gossip Jeonghan can sometimes be. To be honest, he'd never know anything about his surroundings if not for Jeonghan. They are a good combination, really. A gossip friend and a trustworthy one.

"You're so nosy," Seungcheol shakes his head while smiling.

"And you like it."

After taking out some of their leftovers, they decide to go to the mall. Actually, Jeonghan decided and Seungcheol just sighed and nodded. On the way there, they saw some children playing on the side of the road. Seungcheol can tell from their dirty clothes and their worn out footwear that they're street children.

It's a rare sight to see them in the streets of Seoul especially on the busy side of the city. And yet, here they are.

Jeonghan stops walking and turns to one of the kids saying, "Hey, kids. Have you eaten yet?"

The children looked at each other, confused. One of them says after a few beats, "We haven't, sir."

Seungcheol watches as Jeonghan gives a soft smile and hands the paper bags of their leftovers to the children. He's really soft towards kids. And that's a nature of Jeonghan that Seungcheol really likes seeing. It's one rare thing that Jeonghan and Joshua has on the same ground. They love kids.

The kids gave their gratitude as the duo continued to walk on their way to the mall.

"That's so kind of you, sir," Seungcheol imitates the kid from a while ago before returning to his real voice with, "You didn't tell me you're nice when it's not me you're talking to."

Jeonghan just rolls his eyes at him which made him laugh.

This really feels nice. It feels good. He feels light. He can spend his days just like this. If only he'd let himself escape the hell that he, himself, built.

The mall is in a season where sales are everywhere. Which also means that Jeonghan is most likely to buy everything because;  _It's on sale, Seungcheol. Don't waste the opportunity to save._

He doesn't really have the heart to tell Jeonghan that he can save more if he doesn't buy unnecessary stuff just because it's on sale. But anyway, it's what makes him happy, so why stop it?

By noon, Jeonghan is already picking his clothes to wear at the party. He doesn't really need to but he wants to.

"Seungcheol, I guess this one suits you."

Seungcheol looks at Jeonghan with judging eyes, "Jeonghan, I'm not buying clothes for tonight. I have lots of those."

Jeonghan pouts and puts back the shirt where he found it. He goes back to Seungcheol and says, "Sometimes, I wonder how I still put up with you. And what I wonder about more is why Joshua still does too."

It was meant to be a joke. Seungcheol knows it. But it still left a sting on him. It still made an impact even though it wasn't supposed to.

"That's why he cheats," Seungcheol said with a sharp tone. But it's not to the point that it seemed like he's mad at Jeonghan or something. He said it too straight forward that Jeonghan felt uncomfortable, though. So he apologizes, "Sorry, didn't mean to ruin the mood."

Jeonghan just sighs and pulls the sleeves of his sweater. He didn't protest nor whine. He just let Jeonghan pull him to wherever he wants to go to. 

They end up in an ice cream parlor with a huge serving of strawberry sundae but with not much toppings just because Jeonghan doesn't want too much of it so he can still taste the strawberry flavor of it.

"You're such a nerd, you know," Seungcheol smiles as he shakes his head at Jeonghan. And the long-haired man just proudly eats a scoop of the sundae.

The day went on like that, with Jeonghan having to put all his efforts onto pulling Seungcheol to places and Seungcheol commenting on everything that Jeonghan does. They would occasionally stop by a store to eat and Seungcheol likes the fact that Jeonghan isn't whiny. He won't push Seungcheol to treat him or do something unless it's going out, Jeonghan really sees that as a problem, to be honest. But at least, Jeonghan isn't like Joshua when they go out. There's a big difference between the two and Seungcheol thinks maybe that's why they match so well, too much foreign space to adjust to and to become familiar with.

They decided to go on their own way home to change and prepare for the party and just meet up later that night.

"Don't leave me hanging, Seungcheol. I'm really looking forward to seeing you partying tonight!"

They part ways and as Seungcheol gets closer to his flat, he feels it again. He feels cold. Just like how he feels whenever Joshua leaves for LA, how he feels whenever it's time for Jeonghan to go home and leave him in his apartment every summer. Seungcheol wants to speed up time, he wants to just let this pass by quick. Less pain, right? Sometimes, he even wishes for summer to just not come. Why does summer even exist? Why can't there be just one constant weather? That way, he doesn't have to endure this feeling, this longing.

Getting ready, he chooses one of his favorite attire since this might be the only day that he goes out throughout the entire summer break, might as well make himself look good. While looking for his belt, he finds a sweater just beside his from the newly washed laundry, Jeonghan's sweater, to be specific. He remembers it getting stained by kimchi when Jeonghan cooked for him the week before that. He already washed it but just to be sure he washed it again together with his clothes once more. He smiles as he remembers fondly at how Jeonghan reacted when he got kimchi stains on it. It might actually be the funniest reaction of the man ever since they've met. He even wishes he took a picture of it that day just to have something to laugh at when he's on a bad mood.

He picks it up and puts in a paper bag to bring it back to the rightful owner. Finally done preparing, he takes on the very much familiar path to Jeonghan's humble flat.

Nearing the apartment, he sees a blue-haired man approaching him.

"Thought I'd save you the walk to my flat but seems like you're too excited for the party, huh?" Jeonghan nudges his side and gives a suggestive wriggle of his eyebrows.

_Very annoying._

Jeonghan is wearing an opened big polo shirt or rather, a too big polo shirt for his body frame, a purple shirt and some skinny jeans to pair with. Black boots and a black choker, and Jeonghan's attire's complete and looking amazing. But Seungcheol would have loved it even more if he wasn't the person that Jeonghan asked about what to wear tonight, earlier that day.

"Let's just go and get this over with," Seungcheol goes ahead but whips back his head when he remembers something, "Oh, this is your sweater from before."

Jeonghan looks at the paper bag and as if a light bulb lit up, his face did too. He took the bag from Seungcheol's hold.

"I'll just leave this at home, I'll be right back."

* * *

"Seungcheol, hide me."

The long-haired man suddenly goes behind him and starts to panic. He quickly moves to hide him from whatever it is that he's currently hiding from. Seungcheol has a broad back after all, it's an easy task for him to handle, add up the crowd of the party and that'll make it even better. After a few peekings, Jeonghan goes out of his hiding spot which is Seungcheol's back and lets out a deep sigh.

"That was close," Jeonghan says before drinking the remaining content of his can of beer. 

Seungcheol looks at him closely and finally says, "What was close? And why are you hiding?"

Before answering, Jeonghan goes to the counter near them to get another can and gave it to Seungcheol to open it.

"My crazy ex," Jeonghan looks around the room like a paranoid before continuing while whispering, "He's here!"

"Crazy? Aren't you supposed to be the one with that label?" Seungcheol laughs that earned glares from Jeonghan. He hands Jeonghan his drink as he still chuckles lightly.

"He's a different kind of crazy. He thinks I cheated on him, like, I'm not that kind, dude!" Jeonghan explains with a disgusted face, "So every time he sees me, he pleads and asks me why. And when he get no answers, he humiliates me. Fucking weirdo."

Seungcheol's pretty amused at how disgusted Jeonghan looks like. He looks annoyed and all. Like, really annoyed.

"First of all, he's your ex. If he's that crazy, why be with him in the first place?" Seungcheol empties his fourth can of beer and gets another one, "Second, why does he think you cheated on him? There must be a reason."

"Seungcheol, I broke up with him unexpectedly that's why he assumes I cheated or something," Jeonghan just rolls his eyes and says, "And Mr. Choi, to answer your first question, that's the point of dating. Getting to know each other and once you discover if he or she isn't someone you can deal with for the rest of your life, that'll be your cue to dump him or her!"

Seungcheol drinks again and then replies, "You've got a point."

A friend of Jeonghan comes close to them and Seungcheol just smiled at her. They talked and talked and Seungcheol doesn't really mind getting left out. He's lost in his thoughts, anyway.

What Jeonghan said hit him. The point of dating someone is getting to know them well. And if it seems like it won't work out for long, then leave. It's that easy. And that made him think, can he really stick with this routine? Can he really handle Joshua for the rest of time? Can he handle the pain? Is he worth it? Or more importantly, is it really Joshua that he wants to spend his life with?

Maybe this is his cue to leave. Maybe three years of fucking each other up is already enough to conclude that no matter how much you love someone, if it's not worth it, you have to stop it.

"How's the night so far?"

Seungcheol did not notice the girl leaving so he was a bit startled when Jeonghan asked him about his night, but didn't really show it.

He nods with a hint of satisfaction and as if taking in everything that happened, he answers, "So far, it's pretty good."

"That's good to know," Jeonghan gives him a sweet smile.

Two hours in and the both of them are already a drunken mess. It's when Jeonghan pulled Seungcheol into the dancing crowd inside a large room that Seungcheol felt so drunk. He never lets go of Jeonghan because he doesn't really know where they are and he needs the man if he still wants to go out of that party alive.

Jeonghan dances along with the crowd and Seungcheol smiles at him with that gummy smile of his. He pulled Jeonghan closer to him so that Jeonghan's upper back is touching his chest as he whispers, "You dance? You're a different person when completely drunk."

In between those slur words are hiccups that proves just how drunk he is.

Jeonghan faces him and then cups his cheeks, "You're different, too. Look at your eyes," Jeonghan taps his eyelids and then continues, "Those are beautiful, Cheol."

Seungcheol can't help but chuckle as he puts his hands on the other's waist and Jeonghan rests his arms on Seungcheol's shoulders.

"And look at your smile!" Jeonghan laughs, very much drunk, "Yikes! I'd kiss that beautiful smile away!"

Jeonghan gives off his sweet smile once again. And Seungcheol's drunk self can't remember which among the beer and Jeonghan's sweet smile he got drunk of first.

The crowd is still loud, the music is still very much loud as well. But Seungcheol focuses on Jeonghan. He looks at him like he hung the moon and the stars above. And he sees the same look from Jeonghan. They move closer. And then closer. And then closer.

Until Seungcheol can feel Jeonghan's breathe. Until Seungcheol can only see Jeonghan and Jeonghan only. Until Seungcheol can feel Jeonghan's soft lips on his. It's only him that he knows, it's only him that he sees, it's only him that he feels.

Seungcheol can taste strawberries (maybe from the lip balm the man used), beer and a taste that only Jeonghan can give. He can't say what it tastes like exactly, but it's sweet like how he expected it to be. It's sweet like the smile Jeonghan always offered him. Jeonghan is sweet. The sweetest, even.

They pull back and didn't even care about the world as they both laugh. The fact that they just had their first kiss together is not really sinking in to them. Seungcheol can't help himself so as Jeonghan laughs, he kisses Jeonghan's jaw.

"Seungcheol, stop! That's ticklish!" Jeonghan laughs as he tries to escape Seungcheol's hold on him.

He eventually stops and then moves again to kiss Jeonghan once more. His lips make Seungcheol feel high. It's addicting and Seungcheol is a victim.

They stayed like that, kissing each other and goofing around while still having a few drinks for about an hour. Jeonghan grew tired and whined about going to sleep. So Seungcheol quickly made their way to the closest door that may lead them outside.

They immediately rode the cab that passed by just a minute after they went out. Seungcheol tells the driver the address as he tries his best not to fall asleep. Beside him, Jeonghan clings onto him. Both arms wrapped around him and face buried on his neck. He didn't let go of Jeonghan but this time it's for a different reason, he wants Jeonghan to stay.

* * *

Seungcheol groans as he feels his head hurt so much. He stays in his position and tries to remember what happened last night.

He remembers going out with Jeonghan at the early hours of the night. He remembers drinking too much alcohol, too much for his body to handle. He remembers being pulled into the dance floor.

Seungcheol immediately sat up once he remembered what he did when he saw Jeonghan dancing and swaying with the music. He pulled the man closer.

Seungcheol remembered what he did when Jeonghan was already closer than ever to him. He kissed the man for the first time ever.

Everything after that seems like a blur in his mind. But his clothes from last night that he's still wearing is a proof that nothing more than making out happened between them. He puts his hands behind his head.

"Fuck."

He's alone in the bed. Jeonghan is not there with him. He's already gone.

Even with the hangover he's currently enduring, he managed to get up and find any trace of Jeonghan inside his apartment but there's none. He must've left once he woke up. He couldn't blame the man, though. Jeonghan must be flustered about what happened between them too.

Seungcheol looks for his phone to see two missed calls from Joshua. He suddenly feels mad. Mad for what he did last night. He hates the fact that he just did what Joshua's been doing to him. No, he doesn't want to take revenge with the man. And with everything that happened, he now has to face it, he's a damn hypocrite for not controlling himself. It might look like a small thing to consider compared to what Joshua did but, cheating is cheating.

He tried to call Jeonghan but the number's currently unavailable. He just wants to apologize and talk it out with the man. He knows that Jeonghan will now have a different reason to be guilty every summer. From now on, his guilt will not be rooted from his cover ups for his best friend, it'll be due to what he did with his best friend's boyfriend. And Seungcheol doesn't want that to happen. He also has a part in this. It's his fault too. He won't let Jeonghan take all the blame. After all, Jeonghan's a good friend to him. And good friends are for keeps. If he can't keep him, then might as well end it in good terms.

He falls onto his bed again. Replaying everything that happened. The truth is, he liked it. But he knows he should not.

There's one more problem to face for him. And it's if he'll tell Joshua about it or not. Seungcheol is a man of honesty but will he be ready for Joshua to feel the same pain as he did? Is he actually just the same? It's never good to fight fire with fire.

Everything seems to fall into just one solution. And it's to break up with Joshua. Because even if Joshua can still stay with someone he cheated on, Seungcheol can't. Even if he still stayed after being cheated on, the truth is, he doesn't even want to know if Joshua can.

After all, this will end his misery. This will end his sufferings every summer. He'll feel warm again when summer arrives.

So he decides to do what his drunk mind last night had plan, end everything with Joshua.

* * *

Seungcheol arrived at his destination. He knocked once but there's no one answering. So he knocks just like how Jeonghan does when the man's on his doorstep. He hears a series of steps nearing the door. And after a few beats, a man that looks like a mess faces him.

"Jeonghan, we need to talk."

The said man quietly let him inside and they sat in silence in the living room.

Jeonghan was the one to break it, "I'm sorry."

Seungcheol looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, too."

They fell into silence once again. Neither of the two knows what to say. There's just so much and nothing to say, both at the same time.

"I'm planning to tell Joshua. And I hope you understand," Seungcheol spoke softly. Trying his hardest to not step on a fragile line with his words.

The long-haired nods. And Seungcheol takes that as a sign to continue talking, "You shouldn't take the blame. I'm at fault too."

He knows how much Jeonghan gives himself a hard time whenever he thinks that he's the one at fault so now, he's trying to tell him that he's not alone in this.

Seungcheol is shocked to see a smile plastered on the other's lips. But it isn't the sweet smile that he had always loved. His eyes show otherwise.

"My family's right about me, aren't they?" He laughs as tears start to well up in his eyes, "I'm such a clumsy person. I break things. I break everything that I get to hold."

Seungcheol wants to hold Jeonghan in his arms. The man looks so tiny, he looks so vulnerable, he looks fragile and will break as soon as someone damages him even for just a bit.

"Jeonghan, we've been broken for so long now. And it's not you who caused that, we do," Seungcheol tries to calm him down.

"Cheol, I'm really sorry. I was just- I was- fuck."

Jeonghan takes a deep breath.

"I think I was just drunk and got carried away. I'm sorry."

Seungcheol puts his hand in the other's shoulder and says, "It's fine. I'm fine. You've been trying to fix me for the past years. I can't get mad at you."

They smiled at each other and that was the exact same time that Seungcheol realized something that he missed all this time.

Everything's fine when there's Jeonghan.

He felt alright with Jeonghan. Jeonghan never left him, instead, he was there at the darkest times of Seungcheol. He was there when nobody else was. It's Jeonghan who stayed. It's Jeonghan who tried. And it's still Jeonghan who tries to fix him.

Seungcheol went home with messy thoughts clouding his head. He shouldn't be confused. He shouldn't be thinking twice about staying with Joshua. He should regret everything that happened and yet, here he is, lost and not knowing what to do.

As soon as he reached his bedroom door, tears started to stream down his face. All his emotions came flooding through his entire body. He feels guilty, he feels sad, he feels mad and above all that, he feels alone. All alone.

* * *

Seungcheol spent two weeks inside his apartment. Only eating when he wants to, only getting up when he feels the need to. Not contacting anyone, not even Joshua.

It's the usual routine for him every summer. But there's one thing missing. And it makes a whole lot difference. There's no longer that person with long hair in a crazy color that comes knocking on his door to accompany him. No more Jeonghan to lessen the pain. No more Jeonghan to help him get up.

But the food is still there. He concludes that it's still Jeonghan who leaves his favorite food on his doorstep. It was left every morning, never missed a single day.

Seungcheol feels alone. He feels empty and numb. Every night, he ends up staring at the ceiling and thinking of what happened. It just happened once but it affects him more than he can possibly imagine. No tears are shed, there's just too much crying that he did already.

At the same time, he thinks of Joshua. And somehow, he knows that it'll be different once the man comes home. He already practiced what to say, what to do and how to confess to Joshua that he just doesn't want this anymore. That the both of them doesn't deserve this. This is their finish line, the race is over.

But with Jeonghan, he doesn't know what to feel. They're suddenly all awkward. Nothing like how they used to be.

Until one day when he got sick of the trash piling up and taking up space from his kitchen, he went out early in the morning to take it out.

Upon opening the front door, he sees a man in a short hazelnut brown hair, about to put down a set of packed food. It feels odd to see Jeonghan with hair this short, but what actually startled the both of them is seeing the presence of the other.

Jeonghan looks like he was caught doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing. Which is in this case, leaving food on Seungcheol's doorstep.

Seungcheol was the one to break the silence, "You don't have to do this. You make me feel like I can't stand on my own, like I can't live without you," He chuckles and Jeonghan just awkwardly smiles, not even looking at him.

"I- uh- I have to go," Jeonghan stutters and hands him the food, "I still have- uh- I have something to do."

He takes the food and answers, "Why aren't you visiting anymore?" Seungcheol didn't mean to rise up the tension, he really just wants to know what happened to them.

"Seungcheol, we both know it's not right for me to do so."

Jeonghan was about to walk away when Seungcheol suddenly grabbed his arm, making him stumble into Seungcheol's chest.

Seungcheol didn't want to make everything worse, he just wants to feel Jeonghan's lips again. He wants to taste how sweet Jeonghan is again. Because it feels right, it feels so right and good.

He feels Jeonghan kiss him back and maybe this is his best morning by far. He moves his hand to Jeonghan's back and the other to Jeonghan's neck. He pulls Jeonghan impossibly closer.

After a few seconds, Jeonghan seemed like he got a grip and realized what's happening. He pushed Seungcheol off him and harshly wiped his lips.

"Seungcheol, you cheating on Joshua won't justify anything! I'm not something for you to use!" Jeonghan looks so pissed off and Seungcheol can feel guilt creep under his skin.

He runs his hand on his hair and says, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to- I just- fuck."

Jeonghan just stared at him, "Just stop. This isn't right."

Seungcheol was left on the doorstep as his confused mind has turned chaotic. He feels so bad, he feels like he can't do anything right. He can't blame Jeonghan, though. The man's right. But to him, he's not using Jeonghan. He's not trying to justify anything. But if it's how Jeonghan sees it, then he will let it be.

After that incident, there's absolutely no more trace of Jeonghan. And he just lets it be. It's what Jeonghan wants, and this time, he's the one who will do Jeonghan a favor.

* * *

The day came when Joshua is scheduled to come back to Korea. It's the only day he contacted the man just to tell him that he will be the one to fetch him from the airport. It's also the day that he planned to confess what happened. And the day he planned to end everything.

He stayed at the side of the airport where families and friends of those coming home are waiting as well.

When he saw Joshua's figure nearing him, he swallowed hard. This is it.

The smile that Joshua gave him almost changed his mind about doing what he was meant to do. It broke him inside and it feels too much.

"Hi babe!" Joshua greeted him and hugged him tight. He hugged him back and he can feel himself getting weak.

"Are you alone? Where's Jeonghan?"

The mention of the name created a huge lump in his throat. He just shrugged and answered that he doesn't know.

They took Joshua's luggages to Joshua's apartment. They were silent, too silent. They just had small talks and that's it, a very far cry on how they used to be. And Seungcheol knows that Joshua can feel the tension as well.

"I'm wondering when we're going to move in together," Joshua suddenly comments in the middle of unpacking a huge bag where his light clothes are. He laughed awkwardly and Seungcheol pretended to not hear it.

They headed to a small coffee shop. This is it, this is where it ends. Seungcheol can feel his chest tighten, so much that he almost had a hard time to breath.

"I have something to tell you," Seungcheol softly spoke and Joshua perked up.

Joshua deeply sighed and says, "I have something to tell you too."

Seungcheol's suddenly curious and he nods to encourage Joshua to continue.

"You know, as I said earlier, I'm wondering when we're going to move in together," Joshua sighs again, "But Cheol, I think it's not happening anymore."

Seungcheol's forehead creases and now he's confused. Did Joshua knew what he's about to say? Does he know what happened?

"What do you mean?"

"Cheol, I'm sorry," Joshua looks at him before looking down, "I'm sorry but I just can't continue this anymore."

Seungcheok feels shocked. He didn't expect this to happen. Does Joshua really know?

"You beat me to it, Shua," he chuckles awkwardly.

With that, Joshua looks at him and says, "You're tired of me, I know. I'm sorry for everything."

"I'm sorry too. You know, I really have something to tell you."

"If this is about you and Jeonghan, I don't want to hear it anymore. It hurt when my best friend told me. It'll hurt more coming from you," Joshua smiled at him. But he knows that the smile given to him isn't out of happiness.

"Shua, I'm really sorry. But please know that I loved you. Truly," Seungcheol holds his hand and kisses it, "And I still do. I just don't think this will work anymore."

"I'm sorry too," Joshua holds his hand too, "For everything, for all the pain. But do know that I don't regret being with you. And I will never. You made me the happiest man," A single tear escapes Joshua's eyes, "I guess you deserve that happiness too. And I know you won't experience that with me."

Seungcheol made sure Joshua came home safe by taking him there. He feels lighter now but not fully. But at least, he ended up in good terms with Joshua. Because frankly speaking, they were never the type of couple to fight harshly. They were always the calm type. And he loved it that way.

* * *

The days passed by so fast and soon enough, it's already the end of the summer. Seungcheol is still making himself stuck in his apartment but this time, it's because he's healing.

He still feels cold. He still can feel the chills under his skin. But he's already used to it and doesn't even mind it anymore.

Headphone on, hands on the keyboard and mouse, eyes fixed on the screen. Gaming had been his only companion and he surely loved it. Not just because it's his favorite hobby but also due to the fact that it lets him escape his thoughts. His thoughts about the coming semester, about Joshua, about the break up, and most of all, about Jeonghan.

Jeonghan and his damn lips.

He's in the middle of a game when he hears a faint sound coming from outside his room. He removes his headphones and immediately smiled when he heard what it is.

It's Jeonghan and his rhythmical knocks.

He opens the door and he's faced with Jeonghan, holding up some packed food.

"Let's eat?"

He stares at Jeonghan who's eating in front of him happily.

Seungcheol can feel warmth. He loves it and doesn't want to lose it anymore.

He wants to spend the rest of his summers just like this.

 

**Author's Note:**

> please don't hate on joshua or on me or on anyone ): i love my bub too but this is just how the fic goes. anyway, please tune in for the other parts of this series and i promise not to disappoint! here's my [twt](http://twitter.com/hanniebloom)! you can talk to me there (:


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